The whole purpose behind Whatever She’s Doing is to get to know the real, down-and-dirty truth about how busy, ambitious women are making it all work. And yes, that means all the things they are doing, prioritizing, organizing, adding and squeezing in during naptime and between work meetings. But it also means the things that aren’t making the cut: what gets less effort, gets outsourced or gets ignored altogether.
We’ve all heard “you can’t have it all” or “you can have it all, but just not all at once.” Which I totally get. But as a longtime writer, I can’t ignore the negatives in those phrases: CAN’T and BUT. I prefer, “You can have everything that matters.” And that means deciding what doesn’t deserve your precious time and energy—and focusing on what does.
There are a LOT of things I care about and put effort into as a mom: quality time with my family, my career, my friendships, my health and fitness, and my hobbies (reading and Substack!). When it comes to my kids, I care deeply about raising kind and respectful people who try their best, move their bodies, pursue their interests, eat reasonably healthy foods and at least try new ones.
But if I’m going to care about allll those things, some others just can’t make the cut. So here are seven things I STOPPED caring about as a mom.
1. What my kids wear
I look at kids dressed in adorable, beautifully crafted little outfits and am just obsessed. But those clothes—neutrals, florals, soft cardigans, you know the look—are not what my kids want to wear. And unless we’re taking our professional holiday card photo, I’m over arguing with them about it.
Both of my girls are very particular about what they wear (especially my oldest—and from a very young age). They know their style: one wants a Zara faux-leather jacket and red sneakers; the other wants an exclusively Elsa wardrobe. Wearing what they like excites them and makes them feel confident, and I don’t want to take that away from them. So I buy the ugly backpacks, rainbow sequin headbands and neon sneakers, and call it a day.
2. Having a perfectly clean house
Let’s be clear: I LOVE a clean house. I want the kind of house that looks like no one lives in it. But realistically, as long as I have kids at home, that’s not going to happen. And if I don’t want to spend all day constantly picking up after my daughters (5 and 7) instead of playing with them, I need to let it slide.
My goal is a version of the 80/20 rule: A house that’s 80% clean is a win. To keep it at 80%, I have a housecleaner who comes once a month to do a deep clean, spend a few pockets of five to 10 minutes tidying up each day, run the dishwasher every night, and go on a bender organizing drawers or cabinets whenever I feel inspired (about once a month).
3. Being a fantastic cook
Would I like to be a fantastic cook and make amazing homemade meals every night? Yes! Obvi. But at this stage in life, with all the energy I’m pouring into other buckets, I’m not aiming for an A+—just a passing grade. (Remember those pass/fail classes in college? The best. So low pressure). I want a decently healthy meal on the table and for my family to sit and eat it together—most nights (not all).
Some nights will require chicken nuggets or breakfast for dinner. Lots of nights will include pasta. Some nights my kids will like whatever new food is on their plates; some nights they won’t. My goal is to show up consistently and make dinner “good enough.”
4. Keeping up with the Joneses
(Not to be 100 years old and use an expression from the 50s…? I think…?)
This can be a tough one. It’s hard not to compare your life—and your kids—to the people around you. (Hellooo, Instagram, which is partly why I’m barely on it anymore.) And comparing your life to the lives of those around you can take many forms.
In my life in San Francisco, it’s less about how big and beautiful someone’s house is or what designer clothes or bags they’re wearing at school pickup. It’s more about where they’re vacationing (Switzerland! Bali! Spain!) and all the activities their kids are doing (Russian Math! Competitive soccer! Advanced gymnastics!).
I have made a very conscious decision to take it in, acknowledge it and refocus on my own life. It reminds me of the quote, “I look to the left, I look to the right, and I stay in my lane.” I will plan the trips and activities that are best for our family, our finances, our kids’ interests and our schedule—and that’s that.
5. Goodie bags
I have never done goodie bags, and I never will. I already put a lot of mental energy into planning my kids’ birthday parties (Food! Drinks! Cake! Bouncy house rental!), and I personally do not want to think about everything going into the bags, the bags themselves and then having to pack them.
Most of the ones we get are full of sugar and plastic junk that gets forgotten about the next day. (Sorry for the brutal honesty—I could rant about goodie bags for a solid hour!) This is an easy one to cross off my mental list.
6. Saying yes to everything
I need downtime, and so do my kids. I used to overschedule our weekends to try to do everything and see everyone. Now, I’m much more intentional about protecting my time and energy.
If my kids want to go home and chill, we’ll skip the school hangout. If a Friday night event feels like too much after a long week, we’ll decline—even if we have nothing else officially going on. If an event requires two hours in the car, I’m probably not going. I’m not very spontaneous because sometimes spontaneity causes me more stress, and that’s OK. Saying no protects my time, sanity, and energy.
7. Pretending I’ve got it all together
At this stage in life, I don’t really care if people know that my youngest is a super-picky eater, that I’m stressed about a big life change, that my house doesn’t look picture-perfect, that I get overwhelmed sometimes, that I haven’t figured out all the forms to get my daughter into Girl Scouts, or that once in a while, I’ll have cereal for dinner on the couch—and it’s the best.
I’m not perfect. No one is. And I don’t want to fake it or be around others who do. The beauty of being real is that we can help each other through the messiness of life, and find the beauty in it.
Making it all work isn’t always about doing MORE, but about getting very clear on what doesn’t deserve your energy.
What have you stopped caring about so much? Tell me yours in the comments…I may include answers in a follow-up!
So many of these I agree with! And I’m very vocal about the no goodie bag rule! This year we did some pottery painting for daughters 7th and it was great because the goodie was their art !!
Absolutely